


Eternally a Memory

by Eggsyobsessed



Series: ABC Medical Series [1]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alzheimer's Disease, Character Death, Early onset alzheimer's, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Hurt Merlin, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Marriage, Tissue Box Warning, Trope Reversal Merlin outlives Eggsy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-20 01:01:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17612462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggsyobsessed/pseuds/Eggsyobsessed
Summary: Merlin was prepared, he always had been, he was 25 years older than his husband. So, the reality he'd die first was always expected, but he wasn't expecting to outlive his husband.





	Eternally a Memory

**Author's Note:**

  * For [solrosan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/solrosan/gifts).



> This was an idea that myself and Solrosan had talked about, and of course, I wrote it. This is sad, head the tags, PLEASE! There is no happy ending here. If you choose to read it, thank you, if not, I respect that too. 
> 
> Much Love <3 xoxo
> 
> For Solrosan, because without you, I would not have written and posted this.

“Just three doors down, Galahad,” Merlin instructed, a shift in the view signaled Eggsy nodded his head. He could hear Eggsy’s breath quieting, slowing down, like it usually did when he was on these sort of missions. He watched as Eggsy maneuvered the halls of the estate he was in, just a few doors down from his mark. Merlin was focused, and said cooly, “He is alone, one shot agent, then turn right out of the room and up the stairs to the roof. There will be a chopper waiting for ye.”

There was a soft, “Understood,” spoken from Eggsy, and then the man they had been after came into view, unarmed and bent over his desk working.

Kingsman had combed the earth trying to locate Richard Thames, a successful Attorney and drug lord of a well established illegal drug trade. They had slowly taken down each location one by one, and he was held up in London, right under their noses. In apparent hideout, he had even stopped practicing law once Lancelot had cleared out his Germany location.

He was quick, precise, and smooth. One shot and Eggsy had the job done, Merlin murmured a job well done and pulled up the schematics of the estate for ease of extraction, Eggsy quickly cleared the data not needing the visual. Except Eggsy turned left, and not right.

“Agent,” Merlin said curtly. “Ye need to turn around,” there was a huff of frustration from the agent as he stopped, clearly processing which direction he needed to go. There was a distinct shake of Eggsy’s head as he turned around, and made his way to the roof. Once he was safely aboard the helicopter, Merlin stated, “See ye soon.”

Where they usually used get-away cars, currently all were in use. Merlin disconnected the coms, wondering what could have caused Eggsy to go the wrong way. Deciding to forget it, for now, he closed up at his station, setting out for home.

*

It had been a week since Eggsy’s last assignment, and he wasn’t due to go out again for another week. They sat at their small kitchen table eating dinner, it was a slow day, neither were due in the office for a few days. Merlin enjoyed it when they had a couple of days off together, perhaps they could go see a film, he was pulled out of his thoughts by a distinct bark at the back door, nails clawing against the wood.

“Is JB outside?” Merlin asked, not having let the pug out himself.

“How the hell did you get out?” Eggsy wondered, letting his dog inside. It had started to sprinkle out, and JB shook himself of the moisture on his fur.

Merlin remembered he had not taken JB out, and recalled Eggsy opening, and closing the door earlier. He watched Eggsy take his seat once more.

Eggsy caught Merlin staring at him, it was an odd expression, one he couldn’t place. “You okay?”

“Aye,” Merlin said absently. The events over the last few weeks were starting to come into focus, he figured what he had witnessed was post-mission fatigue, and Eggsy was often a little forgetful when he was stressed.

This, on the other hand, was entirely new. His husband had not ever let JB out to do his business and forgot about it. They finished dinner in silence, his agitation of the situation could be felt in the air.

“Something is bothering you,” Eggsy observed, drying the dish Merlin had just washed. “Ever since I let JB in the house.” They didn’t keep secrets, no need to, not when you’ve been married for ten years.

“There is,” Merlin agreed, continuing to scrub the lasagna pan. “Why don’t ye go relax in the parlor, I’ll be out in a bit,” he offered.

Eggsy searched his husbands face, the wrinkles on his forehead deeper with the frown he wore. He gathered the clean plates, putting them in their proper place, before dropping a tender kiss to his husband’s cheek. The lines that were there became more prominent with Merlin’s smile.

“Maybe pour us a drink,” Merlin called over his shoulder.

“Okay,” Eggsy said softly, JB tottling behind him. Not as quick as he used to be, the pug was now 12 years old.

Merlin finished his task, joining Eggsy in the front. He was seated in his usual corner of the couch, a book in his hands, one he had been working on to finish. Merlin didn’t see any whisky tumblers, it only added to his worries. He decided to forgo the alcohol and take his spot beside Eggsy.

The tension in the room palpable when Merlin entered, Eggsy marked his spot, turning his attention fully to his husband. “What’s the matter?”

“Eggsy,” Merlin said quietly, he wasn’t entirely certain what he needed to say. “I think ye need to see Dr. Hanover before ye go on yer next mission.”

Eggsy scrunched his face in confusion, “Hamish, we all go through a pre and post mission check-up, I know.”

“Nae,” he shook his head. “Ye have been forgetful lately,” and it was far more than usual. Merlin was aware of how the job weighed on the agents, had seen it enough, but this was different. He felt Eggsy go stiff beside him, Merlin shifted to see Eggsy’s jaw set in a way it usually did when he was becoming defensive.

“So, I’ve had a few bad days,” he shrugged. “We are all allowed that, you know.”

“I am aware, love,” Merlin took his free hand. “But ye never forget JB outside, and just the other day ye misplaced yer keys, except they were right where ye always leave them. And,” he paused. “I had asked ye to get us drinks before ye came in here and ye didn’t, Eggsy this is not just a few bad days,” and Merlin realized it was happening more than not.

“What are you suggesting?” Eggsy could see the concern written all of Merlin’s features.

Merlin took a deep breath, he was pretty sure he knew what was happening, and he’d much rather be wrong. “I am suggesting we tell Dr. Hanover what is going on and go from there.”

There was moisture gathering in his husband’s eyes, Eggsy gently cupped his cheek, forcing their eyes to meet. “Okay,” he answered softly, because Eggsy didn’t want his husband to be upset.

*

It had been countless tests, a CT scan, MRI, blood tests, and memory test before anyone had an answer. Eggsy had become very frustrated by the end of it all, and no one was saying a word of a possible prognosis. Still, they had asked him to come back, but not alone, and that never was a good sign. Eggsy waited for the Doctor, Merlin in a chair beside his exam table.

A brief knock, and then the door opened. “Galahad, Merlin, good to see you,” Dr. Hanover smiled in greeting before taking his seat, but there was something about his smile, it looked forced.

“What is it?” Eggsy spoke up, ever the observant man that he is. There was a distinct shift in the atmosphere of the room.

“Eggsy,” Merlin begged, placing a soothing hand on his husband’s knee. His scrutinizing gaze shifted to Merlin briefly, before going back to the doctor.

“Nah,” he shook his head. “I know that look. What? Do I have cancer or something?” Eggsy was short, and to the point, he didn’t feel like doing a song and dance when it came to his health.

“Eggsy,” Dr. Hanover began, and it did not go unnoticed between Merlin and Eggsy at the change of names. “There were a series of tests we completed, and no, you do not have cancer,” both men visibly relaxed. “I had a few blood tests ran after we received the scans of your brain,” he paused and gathered a few papers. “I’m sorry, but you have what they call early onset Alzheimer's.”

The first thing out of Eggsy’s mouth was a humorless laugh. “You mean like the disease old people get?” It was like the room had dropped 10 degrees.

“Older people are more likely to get it, yes, but there is a small percentage of people younger than 65 who do get the disease. It is usually due to a parent or grandparent who had it,” he explained. “And since we have no records of your father’s family, nor did he live long enough for anyone to know if he would have gotten it, that is unclear. Your mother is still alive and well, yes?”

“She is,” Eggsy agreed.

“So it would not have come from her side, more than likely your father would have had it or his parent’s.”

Eggsy exhaled loudly. “I’m only 35,” he said quietly, squeezing onto Merlin’s hand that was clutching his thigh. “What do I do?” There was something so innocent about the question, the way he appeared at that moment, so young, and scared.

“Where there is no cure, there are medications to help slow the progression. They do not always work and each person is different, but there are some that can help with memory loss and problem solving.”

“How long?” It wasn’t Eggsy to ask, but Merlin, and it was a strangled sound.

There was an apologetic look in the Doctor’s brown eyes, the corners crinkling with a soft smile. “We have no way of knowing, studies show anywhere from 8-10 years, some as early as 3 years from diagnosis and others as long as 20. There is not a definitive timeline.”

“And work?” Eggsy inquired. “I’m sure being a field agent isn’t the smartest thing,” he summarized, and saw the answer on his face.

“There are other duties I’m sure you can fulfill here, Galahad,” Dr. Hanover promised. “Take a few days off, I will ensure Arthur knows what it is going on, take your time, both of you,” he looked at them both. “You have a good support system, and you will need it.”

“Okay,” Eggsy nodded, lacing his fingers with Merlin’s, his grasp crushing, but he didn’t care.

*

He skimmed through every piece of research he could, absorbing any bit of information regarding his disease. It was futile at this point, knowing he’d forget it all at some point, but Eggsy wasn’t going to stop. He needed to know everything about it, what to expect, to prepare for what he was to come. There was a hollow look on Merlin’s face, it had become a permanent expression since they were told. Eggsy understood this would be harder for the spouse than him.

“Babe,” Eggsy called between brushing his teeth. He was learning to integrate a specific routine, he read it would help. There was an emotionless, “Aye,” that could be heard from their bed. Eggsy crawled in when he was finished, taking the tablet out of his husband’s hand to cuddle close.

“Eggsy,” Merlin huffed a little irritably.

“Look at me,” Eggsy begged. “Please,” he whispered, swallowing the lump forming in his throat when Merlin did. He saw it there, the weight of what was going to be their future, already changing the man he loved. Eggsy kissed the V in between Merlin’s brows, it softened under his lips. He continued his kisses, over Merlin’s eyes, to each cheek, and finally his lips.

“What are ye doing?” Merlin asked, it was a hushed sound, almost like he was holding back tears.

“I can’t kiss my husband?” Eggsy moved to straddle his lap, circling his arms around Merlin’s neck. “I need us to be us, I can’t have you treating me like a bomb that is about to explode.” There was a flash of pain that crossed the beautiful hazel eyes in front of him.

“Eggsy,” he whispered helplessly.

How was he supposed to explain to his husband that this wasn’t supposed to happen? That this was supposed to be Merlin, and not his young, vibrant, beautiful husband. Merlin knew, had always been prepared for their marriage to be cut short. Their age difference would make sure of that, but not this way, no. Eggsy was supposed to be grey and older when Merlin left him, not this, his husband still young, honey-brown hair adorned his head, skin hardly marked with age. As much as he hadn’t wished for Eggsy to witness him waste away, Merlin was not the least bit prepared to watch that happen to Eggsy.

“I can hear you thinking,” Eggsy said, quirking an eyebrow.

Merlin smiled sadly, running his long fingers through the soft waves. “Whatever you need from me, it’s yours,” he promised, and Merlin would give him his life if that meant taking all of this away.

“Okay,” he said, leaning forward to kiss Merlin tenderly.

*

“No,” Eggsy argued stubbornly. “It was right here, I know it was,” their home office in disarray as Eggsy searched for his paperwork. He had intended to work on it from home, deciding to join Merlin for the day.

Merlin watched as he tore it apart, knowing he’d clean it later. He left the room, and returned with it all in hand. “Ye left it on yer nightstand,” Merlin watched the shock settle over Eggsy’s now wide eyes.

“It was right in here, Hamish,” Eggsy sounded small, like a defenseless child. “I left it here,” he whispered harshly. “I could have sworn…” he trailed off realizing he really hadn’t, Eggsy began to shake, and was pulled into the arms that have been home for a decade, arms he was sure he’d forget too, and that had a sob wracking his body.

*

He had decided to take up running, it was good to keep his limbs moving, not exercising as much. Merlin knew Eggsy usually returned to the house around 8 in the morning, but it was nearing 9, and he became worried. Merlin did something he hadn’t done, he tracked Eggsy, locating him at Hyde Park, Merlin figured Eggsy had just wanted to enjoy the Autumn weather. It wasn’t until he got a concerned call from his husband did he go out to get him.

In the car, Merlin peered at his husband, and back at the road. “What happened?” It felt like a stupid question, but Merlin needed to know.

“I got to the park, and couldn’t figure out how to get home,” Eggsy’s hands were shaking. “I forgot how to get home,” Eggsy realized it probably wouldn’t be wise for him to leave the house alone. Once they were home he took the stairs two at a time, locking himself in their room, and screamed into a pillow, he repeated it until his voice was hoarse.

Merlin didn’t chase after him, face in his hands, he cried listening to the strangled sound of his husband’s screams.

Later that night, Eggsy came down, eyes puffy and red, there were marks to his skin where the blood vessels had burst. Merlin looked up, offering a hand out, Eggsy took it as he settled in his lap like he always did. No one said anything, there was no comfort here, nothing either of them said would stop any of it, nor would it take the pain away from what had happened. It was Eggsy who peeled himself from the warmth of Merlin’s neck to hand him something.

Merlin took the flash drive, raising a confused brow. “What is this?”

“I need you…” Eggsy paused, clearing his throat, it hurt so much from yelling. “I need you to watch that when I’m not here anymore,” he didn’t look at Merlin, not sure that he could watch what he had said sink in.

“Eggsy,” Merlin whispered. “Don’t talk like that.” There was anger in the watery blue-green eyes that snapped at him.

“You and I both know how this ends and naivety does not suit either of us,” Eggsy took Merlin’s hand and kissed it, making his way over each finger, and placing it over his heart. “Promise,” he closed his eyes, the warmth of his tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Okay,” Merlin pulled Eggsy close. “I promise.”

*

Some days were better than others, and it was one of the more frequent bad ones. Merlin tearing HQ apart in search of Eggsy, his glasses were not on and had not been the whole day. It had been a year from diagnosis, and it was only progressing, Merlin was aware the 20 year mark would not be for them.

“Eggsy,” Merlin breathed in relief, he was seated on the steps out back, not moving. Merlin sat beside him, leaning into the warmth of his husband. It was quiet as they watched the sun begin to set.

The clouds above reflecting the oranges, reds, yellows, that slowly turned to night. Eggsy snaked his arm around Merlin’s, locking their fingers together, he thumbed over the cool metal of his husband’s wedding band.

“I couldn’t remember Harry’s name,” he said into the silence. “I knew who he was, just, it was right there,” Eggsy’s frustration palpable between them.

He didn’t respond, Merlin knew whatever he could say wouldn’t take away what Eggsy felt. Merlin had never felt more powerless in his whole life. This was out of his realm, and no amount of research and reading would truly ready them for all of the people, and memories Eggsy would forget.

“I will forget you,” Eggsy said. It had been something he had hoped wouldn’t ever happen. “I don’t want to,” he was so mad.

“I’ll never leave ye,” Merlin swore. “No matter what,” he gently took Eggsy’s chin to look at him.

“I know and that’s what bothers me the most. No matter how bad it gets, you will dutifully sit beside me, and see me waste away to nothing. I wish you weren’t such a good man, I’d feel less shitty about it all.”

Merlin leaned in for a kiss. “Would ye leave me? If the tables were turned?”

“Fuck no,” Eggsy said quickly, pulling away in shock.

“So why would I abandon ye?” Eggsy looked torn about something, like he was fighting to tell Merlin what was on his mind. They had never kept secrets. “Tell me,” Merlin coaxed.

“I’m scared,” Eggsy admitted, he was fucking terrified.

There was no use in lying. “Me too,” Merlin choked out. “Me too,” he repeated as Eggsy melted into his side.

*

He had known it was coming, but that didn’t make the argument at hand any easier. Merlin was trying to reason with Eggsy, and to no avail, as he stood guarded in a corner. Merlin didn’t take any steps forward.

“Eggsy,” Merlin said softly.

“No,” Eggsy said defiantly. “I don’t know you, how the fuck do you know my name, bruv?” His estuary thicker than normal, his smooth accent gone. “Where’s my mum?” Eggsy’s eyes were wild with concern, he had no idea who this old, bald man was.

“I’m your husband,” and that was the wrong thing to say, Eggsy’s face twisted in disgust. It was like someone had stabbed Merlin with a white hot stake, right into his heart. There was no stopping his tears now, it was too late, he was too far gone. Merlin knew the fight was not going to get him anywhere.

“Fuck you, bruv. I don’t have a husband, I’m fucking 15,” Eggsy shouted back, shrinking further into the corner he was backed in. “I want my mum,” he yelled.

“Okay,” Merlin said quietly. “I’ll call her,” he didn’t know what else to do, so, he dialed Michelle.

Michelle was there in record time, where it usually took her 20 minutes, she was there in 10. Merlin watched from their dining room as Eggsy curled against his mother, looking so much like a child. He turned away, and waited for her to calm him down, it was two hours later, and Eggsy was in bed.

“How are you?” Michelle asked in the doorway, her usually well kept grey hair was a mess around her swollen eyes, mascara streaked down her face. Once she was free of Dean, Michelle stopped bleaching her hair and kept it natural, Merlin thought it suited her.

“About as good as ye are,” Merlin downed the Scotch, and offered up the bottle to her, to which she declined with a shake of her head.

“How about some tea, Hamish?” Michelle walked into the kitchen not waiting for his answer. She had been here enough to know where everything was, Merlin’s steps echoed behind her. Michelle prepared the tea, handing one to Merlin in exchange for the bottle of Scotch.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin said after a time. The hardness of her ice blue eyes cut through him.

“For?” Michelle kept her tone level.

“Asking ye to come over with little notice,” Merlin didn’t know exactly what he was saying sorry for.

Michelle carefully set her mug down, and regarded her son-in-law. “My son needed me, never apologize for that. There have been so many times in Eggsy’s life I wasn’t there for him, and I’m not going to start that pattern now, no matter how old he is.” She reached across the table, taking Merlin’s hand with hers. “You call me if you ever need me, yeah? You are not alone in this,” and that last sentence is what broke Merlin, she rounded the table, and allowed him to sob into her stomach.

That night, Merlin went to bed in their spare bedroom, only to be woken up with his husband’s body wrapped around him. Merlin watched him sleep, all of his troubles dissolved as he slept, the crows feet developing almost invisible like this. He wanted to freeze this moment, Merlin didn’t want to keep going forward knowing it all. So, he held Eggsy closer against him, his husband smiling in his slumber with the gesture.

*

“Are ye hungry?” Merlin asks, Eggsy turning from the fridge with a frown. He had been standing there for a few minutes, Eggsy told Merlin he wanted a sandwich, and left the parlor to do that. When he didn’t return for 10 minutes, Merlin knew. It has been 3 years, and Merlin was now used to the patterns.

“I think so,” Eggsy said. “I don’t know why I’m in the kitchen,” he looked confused. “Who are you?” It had been a regular question now, and it hurt just as much as the first time, but Merlin had become better about hiding how much it bothered him.

The older man smiled kindly at Eggsy, and there was something so familiar about it. It reminded Eggsy of his husband, but a much older version of him. “You smile like he does,” Eggsy said. “They are so few, but for me mostly. I don’t think he realizes how much younger he looks when he smiles. Do you know my husband?”

“Aye, I do,” Merlin nodded, guiding Eggsy to a chair so he could feed him.

“I bet you don’t know him like I do, no one does. They all think he’s mean and grumpy, but he’s so kind. So much love that man has, I think he kept it bottled up for years,” Eggsy kept telling Merlin about himself as he prepares lunch. “You make a chicken salad like he does,” Eggsy observed, eating the sandwich. “He learned from his mum, wish I could have met her, bet she was just as scary as he is.”

Merlin chuckled. “I wager she might have been,” he loved listening to Eggsy. Eggsy was remembering him less and less, so, when he’d open up, and talk to Merlin about himself, it was lovely.

“I’m sorry, did you tell me your name?” Eggsy asked after a moment.

“Nae, it is Hamish,” he watched Eggsy’s eyes light up.

“That’s my husband’s name, he hates it, but I love it. I love everything about him,” Eggsy smiled dreamily. “Do you mind if I talk about him?” Eggsy didn’t want to make this man uncomfortable, he was nice, and always seemed to be around when Eggsy was lonely.

“I do not, I love hearing about him,” Merlin said honestly, and listened to their life through Eggsy’s eyes.

*

There was a scream for his name in the other room, it was a blood curdling scream. Merlin was out of bed in double time, ignoring every protest of his 64 year old body. He found Eggsy sobbing, and yelling for him, thinking he knew who he was, Merlin tried to console him. Only for Eggsy to shrug away, and push Merlin.

“Where’s Hamish?” Eggsy panted, fisting the duvet and sheets. “Why are you in my room? I want my husband, I need him, he’s always here when I have a nightmare,” his hands visibly shaking. “I want Hamish,” Eggsy cried helplessly. “I want him,” he repeated over and over.

“I can keep ye company until he is home,” Merlin offered, it took every ounce of strength to keep himself from holding his lad close, and kissing away his fears.

Eggsy scrutinized the old man in front of him, he figured if he knew Merlin it would be okay. “Do you know him?” Eggsy went to reach for the pistol that was usually in his bedside drawer, but it wasn’t there. Merlin had removed all weapons from the house the day Eggsy had pulled a gun on him.

“I do,” Merlin assured him, and waited for Eggsy to relax. He stood, going to the bose system in the room, and turned on their wedding song. It was a request when Eggsy was forgetting more, he told Merlin to play it for him, and maybe, just maybe, by some miracle he’d remember.

“Mm,” Eggsy hummed, allowing Unchained Melody to envelop him, eyes fluttering shut, he was dancing with Merlin. When he opened them, Eggsy saw Merlin, really saw him, and there was a flood of relief that washed over Merlin’s tired face. His husband was visibly older, Eggsy wondered how much time had passed. He didn’t have to say anything, and Merlin was clutching onto his body. “Babe,” Eggsy held him just as tightly.

“I love ye,” he murmured, not entirely sure how long Eggsy would know him. The last time he was unable to say it, and that broke his heart.

“I love you too,” Eggsy promised, putting enough space between them so he could look at Merlin. “Oh, Hamish, love,” Eggsy traced the new wrinkles on his husband’s face. “How long?” He didn’t need to specify for Merlin to understand the question.

“It’s been almost a year since ye last recalled my face,” Merlin replied, he smiled sadly, and took this moment to kiss Eggsy roughly. He didn’t think he’d ever let go of him, but Merlin did, and just stared at the person who was the same but different.

“I’m sorry,” Eggsy whispered, it was a soft wet sound, his tears clouding his vision. Merlin went to say something, but Eggsy intercepted with another kiss. “No,” he knew what Merlin would say. “For every time I don’t know you, I’m so fucking sorry. You shouldn’t have to see this,” his bottom lip quivered, and just there, Merlin saw how young Eggsy really looked.

Like every time Eggsy remembered Merlin, he took his hand, placing it over Merlin’s heart. “I may not remember you here,” he pointed to his head. “But I’ll always know you here,” Eggsy pressed his palm harder over Merlin’s chest. “Always,” he promised.

“I know,” and he did.

That was the last time Eggsy ever came back to Merlin.

*

“Hamish?” Eggsy called, looking in and out of each room. “Babe?” He could have sworn his husband should be home by now. Eggsy heard the floor creak beside him, turning to see the older man who spent so much time in his home. “Have you seen my husband?”

“I do believe he said he’d be working late,” Merlin supplied, cupping Eggsy’s elbow to lead him into their parlor. “How about some tea?”

“Okay,” Eggsy agreed easily.

Merlin could feel Eggsy’s eyes on him as he prepared their drinks. It was a routine he had gotten into, Merlin tried to keep each day the same. As similar as he could, considering the sporadic changes in Eggsy’s moods, but today was a good day. He had woken up happy, chipper even, they walked around the gardens out back, Eggsy chatting easily about his mother, and baby sister.

“He works too much,” Eggsy said after half of his cuppa was gone. “I keep telling him to say no to Harry,” he shook his head fondly. “But he won’t,” Eggsy sighed. He stared off for a moment, shifting his gaze to the kind old man. “Are you married?” He wondered, Eggsy always shared his life with him, and he felt bad not having known much about him.

He smiled, it was slow and knowing, Merlin thumbed over his wedding band, and touched the one hanging around his neck. “Aye, I am. My husband is the love of my life,” he refrained from saying you are the love of my life. That had not ended well with Eggsy.

“Hamish is mine too,” Eggsy grinned, wide and youthful.

*

Most days were tiring, Merlin hadn’t realized how exhausting it was taking care of another person. Michelle was over, she came every weekend to help, Merlin had protested in the beginning, but soon enough noticed he needed the respite.

“He’ll need more help with every day care,” Michelle said after Eggsy was in bed. “I handed him his night clothes, and he just looked at them.” She tried to reel in her emotions, but it was hard. Michelle hasn’t needed to help her son dress in a very long time.

“I know,” Merlin had been expecting it, just the other day he needed to cut up Eggsy’s food. His husband hadn’t known how to do it anymore.

“You can’t do this alone,” Michelle swiped her eyes of the moisture gathering there. “You need more help, Hamish.” His hazel eyes hardened stubbornly, Michelle knew he wouldn’t allow it, but she had to try. It was bad enough to watch her son deteriorate, but witnessing Merlin age quicker than what his years accounted for was no better.

“He would do this for me,” he replied, like he did every time. “I will make sure my husband is cared for, loved even when he doesn’t know it.”

“Alright,” Michelle didn’t push, knowing the hard headed man in front of her, it would do no good.

*

He had tried to bring aid in, but Eggsy did not respond well to the new faces, Merlin had made the effort, if only to gain a little more sleep. Eggsy had started to confuse his nights and days, which left Merlin with less sleep than he should have. He was currently helping Eggsy away from the front door, the promise of tea, and a story the only way he was able to succeed this.

His husband didn’t understand it was 2 in the morning, and that meant people should be resting. Merlin was grateful for Michelle, who was coming by three times a week. Even Daisy had offered to help, Eggsy had no idea that was his 17 year old sister each time she came. It was hard to distinguish Daisy was the same little girl Eggsy remembered.

Merlin brought a tray out, taking Eggsy’s hands, and showing him how to hold the mug. He got the same response he always did, a bright sunny smile from his husband. Eggsy was talking less and less each day, he always seemed to be studying his surroundings.

“Ye have it?” Merlin eased it closer to his mouth, making sure he didn’t spill it on himself. He didn’t touch his own until Eggsy was finished, Merlin’s lukewarm by this point, but he didn’t care. “Music?” Merlin asked, Eggsy’s eyes lighting up knowingly in response.

“Music,” Eggsy agreed, and watched Merlin with wonder.

It always shocked Merlin how childlike Eggsy appeared, despite his aging face and hair. His 40th birthday had just passed, and Merlin still got him a gift. It was a teddy bear Eggsy had seen on one of their walks, he seemed very interested in the stuffie, so, he purchased it. This was the exact item Eggsy was clutching to now, Merlin had read somewhere that they form an attachment to objects.

The melody of their wedding song playing through the living room, and Merlin was stunned speechless when Eggsy started to sing the lyrics softly. For a brief moment, it was like watching his Eggsy before all of this happened. His gaze longing, mournful, and loving, but Merlin didn’t tear his eyes from the one person who was holding him here, keeping him from losing every sense of his mind. Eggsy needed him, Merlin refused to allow this to destroy the one thing that kept Eggsy safe, that Eggsy felt safe around.

“It is a good song,” Merlin murmured, sitting beside Eggsy, there was a dreamy sparkle in Eggsy’s blue-green eyes. He wound an arm around Eggsy’s shoulders, holding him as close as Eggsy would allow. Merlin joined his husband, and together, they sang their wedding song.

He was finally able to bring Eggsy to bed, ensuring he was tucked in, and like he always did, Merlin whispered, “I love ye.” From the door, Eggsy never heard him, at least he was certain of this, he backed out with the hopes he’d be able to get some rest.

*

Merlin had become accustomed to waking up from the creek of his door, always, Eggsy would wander in, and wait for Merlin to come to. He sat up with a groan, the house quiet, too quiet, Merlin had a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach. As he folded himself with his robe, Merlin gazed at the clock, it was after 10, and no matter how late they stayed up, Eggsy was up by 8. He took his time, already painfully aware of what he may face, a day he was dreading from the time they were told Eggsy had Alzheimer's. He was still, too still, Merlin noticed. There was no holding back now, his hands still warm, and Merlin was regretfully aware that Eggsy must have just gone.

He didn’t call anyone, not yet, he wanted to mourn in private, running a shaky hand over the waves that were flecked with silver, and Merlin told his husband all of the things he hadn’t been able to. All of the conversations they had never been able to have, how much he truly loved him, and no matter how hard, how Merlin didn’t regret a second of the time he was able to spend with Eggsy. He pressed a soft kiss to his lips, and then Eggsy’s forehead before leaving him, Merlin made sure to notify everyone.

Michelle stayed with Merlin after the funeral, she was sure he needed the support, and to be truthful, she needed it as well.

They both stayed up too late, consuming too much alcohol, Merlin made it a point to pour it all down the drain after that, he knew it wouldn’t be good for him or Michelle. Merlin made sure she was comfortable in the spare bedroom, retiring to his own room, and it still smelled of his husband.

It wasn’t until Merlin was almost asleep, did he remember. He climbed out of bed, and quietly made his way to the home office. There he took the flash drive Eggsy had given him years ago, popping it into the laptop, Merlin clicked play.

Eggsy’s bright smile took over the screen, he was Eggsy, just as Merlin remembered him before the disease took over.

_“Hi, babe!” Eggsy waved enthusiastically. “If you are watching this, then, well, you know. But I need you to do something for me,” he paused, and visibly collected his emotions. “Don’t stop living, please, do it for me. Go to all of the places we had said we would go to, take mum if you have to, but don’t stop. Hamish, I want you to know that I love you so much, and it fucking sucks our years are cut short, no matter how far into the future it is now. Just promise, promise you will live for the both of us.”_

“I promise,” Merlin whispered as Eggsy continued to talk. The video was filled with every little thing Eggsy adored about Merlin, down to the way he couldn’t stand it when Merlin clicked his tongue when he was pissed. He laughed, it was a wet sound filled with his tears. It was a 30 minute video, and Merlin was rewarded with one of Eggsy’s huge, cheeky grins, accompanied by a magical laugh.

_Eggsy placed his hand over his heart, “No matter when I don’t remember you, just know I will not ever forget you here. I love you.”_

The video ended with Merlin calling Eggsy for dinner. He sat there for another hour, replaying it twice. Merlin dragged his hands over his face, heels of his palms digging into his eyes, before he shut everything down, and went back to bed. He took the teddy bear Eggsy loved, cuddled it close, murmuring a soft goodnight to the husband who would never sleep beside him again, and dreamt of sunny smiles with a magical laugh.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, if you choose to read thank you, comments are always welcome <3.


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